Joji’s Journey

Had a wonderful time volunteering for One Iowa today. It gave me the opportunity to witness committed couples, many of whom have been together for a very long time, apply for a marriage license. A few couples were even able to get a  waiver signed so they can marry today! I was lucky enough to witness the first of these (to my knowledge).

Unfortunately I don’t have much time to share my thoughts this morning, but I wanted to post a few photos I was able to take. This is truly a momumentous day for all Iowans.

This is Karen, who was one of the other One Iowa volunteers this morning. It was a pleasure to spend my morning with her.

Jess & Alicia, dear friends of mine who were actually able to get a waiver signed and will marry this afternoon!!!! Sorry the photo is blurry:-(

Happy Couple! One of the first to leave the courthouse.

Happy Family!

Closer shot w/the little guy!

Flowers were given out to the happy couples by Ed Fallon & company…I apologize, the formal org name eludes me right now.

I wish I would have taken more photos! It was an emotional morning. Thanks to One Iowa and Lambda Legal for all the hard work they have done to make today possible. I’m proud to be an Iowan.

My journey to Mother Gem herself and how you too might find your way to her stage.

Step 1: Rescue the perfect gem sweater.

The MidWest Diva herself has a collection of over 400 of these beauties. I found this unique piece of artistry at the Salvation Army two blocks away from my house! How much you ask? Only $1.99. That’s right-to pay that baby off in one month, it breaks down to only $0.06633 a day!

Step 2: Integrity

To truly attempt to channel the Glam Mother of Glitz, every layer of your physical being must be immaculately chosen. I think the only word that can accurately describe the specific style I chose to embrace would be sassifrass. 

Here you can see that after properly grooming, my first layer is very basic-no product in my hair and a comfortable sparkly Mrs. Timberlake shirt (perhaps one of the most practical gifts I have ever received). For modesty’s sake, I am not displaying the Batman briefs I am sporting underneath. You never know what the night will bring, or what the climate (culturally, meteorologically or otherwise) will be, especially in Iowa, so be prepared to adapt. Layers=sweet.

Step 3: Find a Friend

This is the glory that is Rachel.

Classy, clever and sexy. That’s her. Rrroar.

Step 4: Stylize

I chose to complete my outfit with skinny jeans cut off under the knee, tube socks, chucks w/green laces, orange evil eye friendship bracelet,  a flashing button and a yellow headband. A bit of paste in my hair and I’m almost there. Rachel has a knack for makeup application, so she applied subtle violet shades to my eyes.

Step 5: Warm Up

It is VITAL that you prepare for the experience with physical warm-ups. I recommend warming up with the following exercises:

• The high kick. Leslie & the Lys are notoriously well known for their high kicking abilities. To really be in the moment, you should be prepared to high kick at any moment.

• The Diva. This is really a universal rule of thumb before going anywhere. Always be ready to strike a pose.

• The Flirt. Again, this is a given. However, keep in mind that different poses lend themselves more effectively to different outfits.

Step 6: Follow the Van.

The signature van is hard to miss…

…and perfect for photo opps. Don’t forget the back!!!

Step: 7 Let the Music Take You Away.

You’ll know when you’re there- true believers will all start to levitate.

Step 8: Make Your Way Onstage.

Rachel & I followed steps 1-7 and were chosen. It was an a honor.

I can’t really give any more advice…there is only so much planning can do…then faith, hope and gems come in to play. Leslie herself blessed my sweater:

And it was named Honey Mountain Puppy Tender.

And thus was my path. Please follow the steps, but remember they will only take you so far…the rest is up to Leslie & the Lys.

It ends up the panic button to Mr Car is very sensitive. He’s the first car I’ve had with keyless entry (which is still amazing to me in itself) so last week was the first day I’ve been that guy who sets off his car alarm by accident and doesn’t realize it is his car. When he’s leaving work. Early.

I left work and headed down the street. It was a beautiful sunny day and I was happily on my way to my destination, jamming out to “Stop Me” from Mark Ronson’s album “Version”  (pick it up, it’s really good…not so big in the U.S. but I really enjoy it). I headed toward an intersection and the light turned *dramatic pause* yellow. You know what it’s like when it catches you off guard…you’re singing and driving perfectly well, and then you see the yellow light and time slows and goes really fast all at the same time. You must choose: do I speed up or slam on the brakes? I thought it would be rather rude  and possibly dangerous for those behind me if I suddenly stopped, so I punched it. The light was actually a little further away than I originally thought, but it I made it.

Not gonna lie, I got a little rush. Whooo hoo, I just sped up…Mr Car got to a whole 40 mph…in a 35. Rebel!!! I looked in my mirror to see the light I totally cleared, and saw a car about 5 seconds behind me…who didn’t clear it. I belive the term “t-boned” is used in this particular type of situation. The car spun around and variouis pieces flew into the air from both vehicles. I would assume both drivers were ok, as the other car couldn’t have been going very fast yet and both drove off into a near by parking lot to exchange insurance info and possibly various insults.

Immediately, my rush wonkified. Had I caused that? What if I would have done the break slammy thing? I developed to the following scenarios:

1. I could have prevented this accident. If I had stopped, I could have warned the speeding individual that “Aye! There’s a yellow light up ahead!” Driver may have been upset for the short notice, but the car would have stayed considerably less crunchy.
2. I could have been rear ended. Crunchy Driver seemed to be a tad reckless. It is entirely possible that if I had stopped, I would have been the one exchanging insurance info and insults. After all, if a red light didn’t stop him, why would Mr Car’s brake lights?
3. I was in that accident. Oh no. What do you mean I was in that accident? How could I have just driven away? I was going nearly 40 mph in a 35! How could I possibly have survived? Unless…I didn’t. I have been walking around for this entire movie and just now realized I was dead? Ug. How cliché.

Ok, I’m going to assume #3 is not true. I have been watching a lot of Dead Like Me, which is a very entertaining television program, but perhaps too much is just too much. My point here is that every choice we make has consequences. They aren’t good and evil, right or wrong, they just are. It wasn’t evil of me to go through the yellow, and it wouldn’t have been right of me to slam on my brakes. I don’t know what would have happened if i would have done something differently, but that can really be said of anything. If I had left 20 seconds later today, if I had worn the red shirt instead, if I’d have not wasted 5 minutes reading this blog, your life could be COMPLETELY different…but you’ll never really know how. Life is random. And who are we kidding, your life is obviously enriched by reading this blog.

My physical belongings have taken a turn for the worst…at least my favorite ones. And all at once.

It started last week with Mr. Car, who has the psf leak and hanging plastic guard in front. These have been problems for a while, but definitely things we could work through. On our way home from a work trip the plastic piece descended onto the very hard interstate. It tore to pieces, taking more of Mr Car’s underside with it. I didn’t hear this at first because I was listening to Paralyzed iPod Touch so loudly (singing as well), so I was unaware until it got really bad, and by this time the damage was done. I pulled over to address the issue and, being the manly handy man that I am, I managed to…well I got really dirty and wasn’t able to help Mr Car much. Some nonessential Mr Car pieces have fallen off since. I like to think of this as his circumcision. Or that he had his tonsils removed. Neither are very fun, and it just happened so he’s still grumpy, but he will be ok without them… although he looks different if you look at him at a certain angle. He also has a loose left front tire which will limit our travel. Bad bearings.

Upon our arrival home I found that Powerbook had died in his sleep. I tried and tried to wake him, but he was gone. At least he didn’t feel any pain. For days he lied there, me unable to take him to the Apple store because of my nonstop schedule. After three days he made a miraculous recovery kind of. He now will start up, but only if he is on the floor and plugged in to a specific outlet in the house. I would like to think positively, but we both know his days are numbered.

Next up is my bed. After Christmas this year I bought a brand new beautiful bedset with every gift card I received. It has had a trying week. The theory this far is that Roomie Cole’s cat peed on my bed for unknown reasons. My cat, Fiyero, couldn’t stand the shame of having another cat’s pee on my bed, so he peed in the exact same spot to make the room appealing again. Though I appreciate Fiyero’s sense of loyalty, I much rather would have had him come to me to and warn me against diving into my newly violated bed (how I found the pee puddle). His English is horrible, however, so I probably would not have understood him…but the gesture would have been appreciated.

So Mr Car has issues, iPod Touch is paralyzed, Powerbook is touch & go and my dryclean only bedset has been saturated. Obviously these are luxury problems…these are all things I can live without. I don’t even care enough about bedset to consider it a proper noun. A long-time patron of the coffee shop, an artist/hippie/self-proclaimed dirty old man, told me “…the more crap you have, the more crap you have that will break” or something like that. It sounded very wise. These are not exactly Book of Job proportioned trials or anything, but it has made me re-evaluate my mindset. People always say physical things are not important, but they don’t mean it most of the time, they just say that to make themselves feel better when they loose their stuff. Well I’m trying to mean it.

Example: Roomie Cole went out of town for the week, so she left the garage opener so Mr Car could hang out inside for a while. Most of the week was beautiful, so we parked outside for the simple pleasure of walking in the cool night air. Friday I ‘needed’ a few nonessential items from the store (hummus, pitas, industrial size cocoa pebbles, soy milk and a bottle of wine) and it was quite chilly, so when we got back we parked underneath. In the 9 months we had been parking there, Mr Car and I had zero trouble fitting into the small space beside the large cement pillar. Of course there was a biggish small truck in the parking space next to ours, so we were a little off. And by we, I mean me. I may have pulled in a little sharper than I intended and didn’t quite clear the cement pillar…leaving several long streaks down Mr Car’s driver side. With my new positive mindset, I laughed. I laughed at how silly this was, especially when I found out that Roomie Cole was on her way back at that very moment and would need the spot that night, so if she had called me as she meant to, we wouldn’t have parked there at all. Totally not her fault, the blame is entirely my own…just makes the situation more entertaining.

And when I say I laughed, I don’t mean immediately. I’m sure if anyone was watching me, they laughed. Heartily. When I got out, the streaks just looked like dirt. Long streaks of dirt. As soon as I realized that the paint was in fact gone, I started yelling and kicking Mr Car…however, I was yelling at myself, so I’m not sure real words actually came out. Also I didn’t want to hurt Mr Car anymore, so they were very whimpy kicks. If anyone was watching, I was the guy that hit the pillar and then got out and started making weird noises to himself, spinning and halfass kicking his car. I think seeing that probably would have made anyone’s day.  Not only would it have been entertaining and funny, but I’m sure would have supplied at least a day’s worth of schadenfreude.

In the interest of saving money, Mr Car and I decided he should live outside. He wasn’t so hot on the idea, but he has always been a bit more of a Satine than a Christian (No, being on the street, THAT’S terrible!) but he’s dealing. I, on the other hand, despise loose change and being warm in the morning during these winter months, so giving the city my money when home during the day and taking a brisk jaunt out to the street in the morning is exactly what the doctor ordered! This morning Mr Car held onto his psf better than usual, oddly enough, so perhaps this whole street parking thing will work out after all.

After work today, Mr Car still had such a decent amount of psf I decided we could take a little evening trip to the mall (of course after a brisk level 2 workout). It’s now official. iPod Touch is officially paralyzed. Apple did their best, but barring replacement they can’t do anything. I still love iPT all the same, as he still plays music and has all of his functions, I just can’t get to them very easily anymore. Perhaps this will help limit my Twitter usage in a good way. (See the Friday Journey of Joji & Mr Car for details of iPT’s demise.)

I ran upstairs to Starbucks to share the bad news with Roomie Cole. She introduced me to a lovely apple cider chai thingy and then I was on my way.  Normally I’m not really a Starbucks guy, as I enjoy supporting local business (also the whole working part-time at a coffee shop with authentic Italian espresso has made me a fan of doing everything by hand). However, I love trying new things, and Roomie Cole has swell judgement.

Have Apple examine iPT. Check. Next on the list was grabbing a few food items. I didn’t need much and I’m big on Target, so off I went. As MC and I pulled out of our spot, I realized that a SUPER Target was only minutes away from the Jordan Creek Mall. In a split second decision, I turned out of the parking lot and toward Super Target. Or at least that was the plan.

I took a different way than I normally would, as I was originally planning on a different Target, but this street would take me on a back-road Target adventure! Despite my farmly roots, my sense of direction is pretty crappy. This road, in fact, did not lead to any Target at all, but instead lead to some sort of suburbian area. I realized this was not the right direction, so I turned and then turned and suddenly everything was the same. Houses were identical. Everywhere I look, a sea of uniform luxury homes. Suburbia. Bum bum be dum bum bum be dum dum.

Now I’m not Mr Judgement Guy. Everyone is entitled to live where they chose for their own reasons. This just doesn’t really flow with the type of lifestyle I desire. Not really much beside mediocrity to be afraid of in this neck of the woods, so I was mostly concerned that I was turned around and it was getting late. Of course I had trusty TomTom, but have you ever tried to use a gsp in an area like this? They spin like it’s the Bermuda Triangle. I also had some sort of analogy going about how Jordan Creek was like the island on LOST and that MC was the helicopter and that someone must have moved the island/JC while I was away, but it didn’t really work out as cleverly as I had hoped so I will refrain from mentioning it.

Anyway, I’m not a complete idiot, so I found my way to Super Target eventually. Everyone always jokes that there is a Starbucks on every corner, but my god people. I really don’t get out to that side of town much, apparently. So here are some things I noticed. Once again, not Mr Judgment Guy, these are just my observations. Also I’m not bitchy blog guy-this shall be a collection of my experiences, not me whining. Primarily.

#1 Children with skateshoes are creepy. They look just like normal children, but anyone of them could have these unexpected accessories. A 3 and a half foot girl walked by me to grab some item further down the aisle, and then suddenly she was gliding towards me at a horrifying speed. I didn’t scream, really. It was more of a manly noise of surprise as I dodged the mini-speeddemon. She didn’t seem to notice I was there at all, despite the fumbling of my wheat thins to the ground as she breezed by.

#2 Chicken In A Biskit makes me sad. US versions of the product contain a small amount of real chicken. I’m sure it is a very minute amount, but still, just thinking of any animal being pulverized and powderized is  just plain icky. Now whether there is any truth to this (Wikipedia says there is!) or whether this more urban legendy, I still have the visual of a cute little chicken getting zapped by a laser and turning to powder before being brushed onto a cracker.

I’m sure the system for trapping the chickens with in the biskits is far more efficient, but then I think of my childhood and the decapitation of chickens. I only really did helped with this once at the neighbors’, but I held down a chicken while it was beheaded and it refused to accept death until I wore the blood of the slain. As soon as the head came off, I let go and it began to chase me. It could sense me somehow and was incredibly fast…I even ran in a figure eight and the headless beast was still hot on my heels. The whole time I was screaming ‘DEMON CHICKEN! AAAAAHHHH!’ which of course won the respect of the other boys my age. I think that’s the first time I seriously considered becoming a vegatarian. And to tie it all together, this family always had Chicken In A Biskit stocked up, sometimes even with a box in the car. So by association of many things, when I see Chicken In A Biskit I am flooded with vivd visuals and emotions.

#3 Random accidental eavesdropping is fun. Tonight I heard the phrase “…in the park with only baby oil and a yellow tarp. We slid around quite a bit, but SHHHHH.”

#4 It’s not eavesdropping if they are screaming. A couple with a caravan of children had no quams about publicly bittering while five aisles apart. “Richard, bring the cart back. RICHARD!” *Richard continues down a distant aisle in the opposite direction with a cart full of children.* “Richard. Richard. RICH-erd. Richard, don’t you hate it when I do that. You hate it when i walk away with the cart when you have your hands full. Richard!” Richard continues walking the opposite way while the children play with frozen Tyson products.

#5 At this Super Target, sale prices are normal prices at the other Target. Maybe I was just imagining this…but I doubt it.

I gathered my belongings, payed for them (only $13.76!) and made my way out to Mr Car. He hadn’t enjoyed all the turning and adventuring quite as much as I had, so as soon as I saw him I remembered I had meant to purchase psf. Do you ever talk to yourself? Well, I’m that guy that mutters nonwords to himself when he thinks of things that are surprising. Back into Super Target!

#6 Grocery shopping can be utterly romantic. Really. The screaming couple-not so sweet. Older couple that looks like they’ve been together for 50 years and attached at the hip- that is sweet. Well, I guess from that description, not necessarily. It can be sweet. They were pushing a cart together with locked arms, looking forward but making expressions as they spoke as if they were looking right at each other. They spoke in nonsentences, as they didn’t really need them. “Did you-” “Yes, yesterday. Do we need-” “No, we have half a gallon from the weekend. Is Sherry-” “Yes, purple.” And so on.